This intoxication of scents still heighten more and more with every deep breath when you're around. A sensual seduction. The glazy eyes and loss of speech tells me you're still as vulnerable as I am. We still fail to keep our distance so once again, i relive my favorite mistake: My lust, my want, my greed. They all scream different notes of pleasure, happiness and fear. Your enclosure, your skin, your gesture still as noble and whole-hearted as I remember. This circle allows no progress. It always ends with me, laying in anticipation. Watching and waiting for that moment when you get up to leave. Too early i think to myself pretending to be asleep. Creating your movements behind closed eyes while you go through the motions of getting ready. ready for what? the answer is absent from my mind. Still i know that i will not call you today. Some sort of secret revenge of mine that makes up for your glaring absence. i know that this call i do not make will not phase you either. We both play the same game and perhaps that is why i do it. No reaction. I feel better this way and your feelings are spared. It is still you that corrupts my faith, still it is I who places all her hopes on to you. Someday you'll realize what love means to me: until then i will always love you more than you deserve.
Here i am improving myself for my own betterment. Working and exercising. Reading more and loving those who i truly care about more than ever. Doing my best to make money and not spend it on superficial possessions or forms of intoxications. Paying off bills and saving what's left. Eating healthier. Making sure to get the recommended amount of sleep. Letting go of everything that has limited my happiness and trying to be a better me. Doing things that i find interesting. Finding new adventures and joys in my travel arrangements and social surroundings. Everything is paying off and i can feel the happiness inside beam out. I wish time would fly backwards so i could remedy all the destructive things i have done in the past but if i had never been there i would never be here today. Words with no meaning are making sense. I've found the point of "ok", where i do not need anything from another to be who I am. I know what I need to be happy and that is what I am gaining. So Im taking a path that not many will follow and finding my own greener pastures. Away from tightening ropes and unstable lovers. Closer to becoming, closer to being, closer to me.
&&& YES i might add: It feels good!
